


Watch Out for Flying Glass

by comefeedtherainn



Category: Fallout 4, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crossover, M/M, background Ashley/Jack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 14:17:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14833857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comefeedtherainn/pseuds/comefeedtherainn
Summary: Since clawing his way out of a vault, Shepard's had a hard time seeing the beauty in the Commonwealth. His journey drives him into the arms of a man made of sunshine and crooked smiles, a man that could tint his vision rose and upend his priorities. A man that could force all of Shepard's secrets and debts to the forefront.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY MEBB 2018 Y'ALL! I collaborated with the majestic and wonderful shotce this year - you can find her @ shotce.tumblr.com <3

Shepard stood in the stark white office, arms crossed over his chest and jaw clenching and releasing as he waited for the Illusive Man to speak. Ever since being “hired” (try blackmailed) by the Institute, Shepard’s life had become far too much white and chrome. It almost stung his eyes - the walls, the floors, the lab coats. He knew he stuck out like a sore thumb, clad in roughed up armor and bandages, weapons strapped to every part of him that he could slap a holster on. He sort of preferred it that way. He didn’t want to belong, not there.

“Is this gonna take long?” he drawled, lifting an eyebrow as the Illusive Man continued to shuffle through the report in front of him, icy, unnaturally blue eyes not lifting to acknowledge Shepard’s presence. “I have places to be.”

The Illusive Man smirked, finally deciding to glance at him. “Do you? Where is that?”

“Anywhere but here.”

“Hm.” The Illusive Man stared him down for a moment, and Shepard held his gaze, despite the urge to look away from those weird-ass eyes. “I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps I misjudged how much you cared about the safety of Sanctuary. Without your help, accidents can happen, after all. My people are so overworked, one wrong button and-”

“Just give me the assignment,” Shepard snapped, bristling at the veiled threat. “I’m not in the mood for games.”

The Illusive Man stared at him for another long moment, before reaching for his pack of cigarettes, extracting a fresh one and holding it between his thin lips as he lit it. He took a long drag before speaking, smoke billowing from his mouth as he did so. “Your target is the Railroad.”

Shepard frowned, jerking his neck back a bit. “The Railroad? That group that supposedly helps runaway synths?”

“Not supposedly, they’re very real,” the Illusive Man said, getting to his feet and beginning a slow pace between Shepard and his desk. His shoes clacked noisily on the tile. “And they’ve become far too bold. They’ve been stealing our most valuable escaped synths, wiping their minds and altering their appearances so that they can never be found again.” He took another long drag of his cigarette. “I’ve lost my patience. I want you to infiltrate them, find weaknesses and information that could help us take them down for good.”

“Why not just go in and shoot the place up?” Shepard snorted.

“We’ve tried that, but they always bounce back. We can’t do any true damage without an insider,” the Illusive Man told him. “Not only that, but they’ve relocated recently, and we lost track.”

Shepard let out a long breath through his nose, rubbing a palm over his buzzed hair. “So if you don’t know where they’re located, how the hell am I supposed to find them?”

“You’re a resourceful man, Shepard,” the Illusive Man smirked. “I’m sure you can figure something out.”

* * *

Fuck, Shepard hated that guy.

He muttered as much to himself, teeth clenched as he followed the stupid-ass yellow brick road (well, really it was red, but fuck it) that would supposedly lead him to the Railroad’s headquarters, if the gossip he’d heard in Goodneighbor was to be believed. People from Goodneighbor were frequently full of shit, though, and Shepard was starting to wonder if he’d just wasted a day he would never get back following a tiny trail of brick throughout Old Boston.

Just when he was considering giving up and teleporting back so he could stick his boot up the Illusive Man’s ass, the trail ended at a short set of steps, leading up to a decrepit church with boarded windows and peeling, white paint. Shepard squinted at it, ascending the steps carefully and pulling out his shotgun as he tried the door. It opened easily, the hinges whining, and he aimed his weapon inside. Dark, abandoned places should only be explored if you wanted your face bitten off by a feral, after all.

He took a couple of careful steps past the door, his boots clunking noisily on the wooden floors. The building creaked in the wind, dust billowing up from the furniture as the door swung closed. The resultant slam echoed in the high ceiling, and Shepard had only a moment to swiftly cock his shotgun before a feral sprinted at him out of the darkness.

He shouted in surprise and blasted a hole in its stomach, reloading as several more ferals came at him, stumbling on crooked legs and their screams assaulting his ears. He took them out with little injury, used to the fuckers by now. He curled back his lip and waisted a couple shells blasting a dead one’s head into pieces. Damn, but he hated ferals.

He made his way further into the church, fighting his way through the basement which was home to even more ghouls. It appeared to have been expanded since pre-war times, winding and a little confusing with walls blasted apart and rubble all over the ground. Plenty of dark, blind corners for ferals to hide behind and scare the shit out of him.

Finally he approached a dead-end, splattered with blood and guts and more than a little irritated. On the wall was a plaque, wires and shit hooked up to it and trailing over the wall and then disappearing in between the bricks. Shepard squinted at it, reaching to touch and finding that the plaque had a turning dial in the center with a painted red arrow at the top, and could be pressed down like a button. Letters surrounding the dial in a circle read ‘The Freedom Trail - Boston.’

He tried pressing it down from a few different positions, then paused. No, it couldn’t be that easy. The Railroad was a well-fortified secret society, after all. No way their fucking entrance would be guarded with a password that easy to guess.

After a bit of fiddling the door slid open, and Shepard snorted loudly. Holy shit. Their fucking password was ‘railroad.’ The Illusive Man had seriously overestimated how air tight this operation was. Though, he supposed, they had just relocated. Maybe they’d been in a hurry.

He paused, not liking the silence and darkness that greeted him beyond the door. Against his better judgment he stepped through the threshold, and swore harshly as he was blinded by floodlights. He raised a hand to shield his eyes, blinking until they adjusted, and then found himself face to face with barrels of several guns. He resisted the urge to pull out his own, putting his hands in the air instead. “Woah, hey. Don’t shoot.”

“Who are you?” a woman barked, scantily clad from the waist up and every visible inch of her skin inked, apart from her face. Her hair was shaved to a soft buzz, her features all the more striking for it. “How did you find this place?”

“It wasn’t really that hard, actually,” Shepard snorted. “Seriously, you guys need to up your security measures. Starting with a new password.”

The woman’s eyes narrowed, and she hopped down from the ledge, landing heavily on her boots and stalking toward him. She grabbed a fist full of his shirt, yanking him forward until they were nearly nose to nose. “I’m not gonna ask again,” she snarled. “How’d you find this place?”

“Jack!”

Shepard and the woman (Jack, he assumed) turned their heads to look at the source of the voice, a tall man with dark, curly hair, thick brows, and a light stubble. Decent cheekbones, too, if Shepard was honest. He blinked a couple of times, a little stunned.

“Don’t start, Kaidan,” Jack huffed, straightening but not releasing Shepard’s shirt from her fist. “This asshole snuck into the entrance.”

“He followed the Trail, like everyone does that wants to join,” Kaidan argued, crossing his arms over his chest. The thin flannel he wore was rolled up to his elbows, showing off his forearms. Shit. “Let him go. Maybe he’s decent.”

“Yeah, and maybe he’s a plant,” Jack snapped, though her grip loosened a bit.

“If he is, we’ll deal with it.”

“You mean _you_ will,” Jack snorted, finally letting Shepard go roughly. “He tries to pull shit, it’s on you.”

Kaidan approached, his mouth tilted in an easy smile as he clapped Jack’s shoulder. “You got it, boss.”

Jack rolled her eyes, flicking the center of Kaidan’s forehead and ignoring him when he frowned at her. “Come on, then. Let’s not leave the damn door hanging open.”

Shepard straightened his shirt as he followed Jack and Kaidan further into the tunnel. The door slid back into place with a noisy scrape. “Thanks for saving me from your girl,” Shepard muttered to Kaidan, quietly so Jack wouldn’t hear.

Kaidan glanced at him, the easy smile gone. His eyes were the color of whiskey. “She’s not my girl. And don’t thank me yet.”

The three of them approached a wooden door, which Jack unlocked with a key. At least one door around there wasn’t child’s play to get through, although a decent lockpick could still get through. Shepard would have been horrified, if the shitty security hadn’t just made his job ten times easier.

The door opened to reveal an open room full of people and furniture, a corner for bunks, one for a kitchenette, and another that looked like a small clinic. The walls were brick and the ceiling low, making Shepard feel a little bit claustrophobic. On the far wall was a blackboard with two lists: one labeled ‘Safehouses’, and the other ‘Agents.’ Underneath the second list were etched names, in varying scripts: Archangel, Sparks, Blue, Ulysses, and Boyscout. As soon as Shepard stepped into the chamber after Jack and Kaidan, all eyes were on him, and he tensed.

“That the guy who tripped the sensors?” a man asked, lounging on a chair in the corner. Deep scarring marled the left half of his face, but he was otherwise quite handsome, hair slicked back and jaw sharp and angular.

“Yeah, this is him. Kaidan insisted that we keep him,” she smirked, shoving Kaidan and sending him stumbling a step.

Kaidan gave her a dry look. “I’m just saying we should give people a chance to prove they’re no good, before we plug ‘em full of holes. Just a suggestion.”

“Yeah, yeah. Show him to his weewee pad and shit, then,” Jack snorted. “I’ve got enough on my mind.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, watching her cross to the other end of the chamber and shaking his head before turning toward Shepard. “Uh, sorry about that.”

Shepard shrugged one shoulder. “I’m on her turf.”

“Yeah. We’ve had some…issues in the past. Trust is in short supply around here,” Kaidan explained, smiling a bit. “Even shorter where Jack is concerned.”

“I noticed.”

Shepard followed Kaidan toward the corner lined with bunks, eyes flitting to his ass and then swiftly away again. Damn, if the guy wasn’t easy on the eyes. Might make shit a little more difficult. On the other hand, could be a good way to pass the time.

“We have a spare bunk,” Kaidan told him, patting one of the mattresses. It hardly compressed when Kaidan’s palm connected with it. “Wouldn’t get too comfy, though. You’re not in until you go through a test.”

“What happens if I don’t pass the test?” Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kaidan shrugged casually. “Only way you don’t get in at this point is if you prove you’re not trustworthy. And at that point, we deal with it.”

“…ominous,” Shepard snorted, grinning when Kaidan’s cheeks colored a bit. Oh, no.

“Sorry,” Kaidan laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess it was, huh?”

Shepard snickered quietly, smiling wider when Kaidan met his eyes. “Just a little.”

Kaidan smiled, holding his gaze for a few seconds too long. “Uh. Anyway. I’ll…come get you tonight. We have a delivery to make, you can help out. We’ll call that your test.”

“A delivery?”

“Yeah. Runaway synth,” Kaidan explained. “She’s at a safehouse until nightfall, then we’ll go in and transport her.”

Shepard nodded, slowly sitting on the stiff mattress. “Alright. Sounds good. Thanks, Kaidan.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Kaidan hesitated for another moment, then awkwardly turned and practically power-walked to the other end of the chamber. Shepard shook his head slowly, watching him go.

Damnit. He really was cute as shit.


	2. Chapter 2

“Shepard, let’s go.”

Shepard opened one eye, stretched out on his back on the bed he’d been assigned, arms folded behind his head. Kaidan stood before him, a pistol on his hip and a rifle on his back. Shepard gave him an appreciative once-over, pleased to see the slight flush on his cheeks, before rolling off the bed. “Great. Where we headed?”

“There’s an escaped synth at the Ticonderoga safehouse. We’re gonna go get her and take her to Bunker Hill,” Kaidan told him, avoiding his eyes.

“What happens at Bunker Hill?” Shepard asked, retrieving his shotgun from where it had been leaning against the bed.

Kaidan waved for him to follow, the pair of them heading toward the entrance. “They’ll take her into custody, where she’ll be prepared for transport out of the Commonwealth.”

“Prepared,” Shepard drawled. “You mean wiped and given a new face.”

“We don’t wipe everyone.” The way Kaidan said it made Shepard glance at him out of the corner of his eye, but his face was impassive. “And besides, the same thing would happen to her if she got recalled to the Institute. At least this way she can be free.”

“Just seems a little extreme.”

“Maybe. But you don’t understand how it feels to be so afraid. So out of control.Vulnerable.”

“And you do?”

Kaidan didn’t answer, pushing open the door and continuing on into the basement of the church. “We’re meeting Archangel topside.”

Shepard noticed the blatant change of subject, but let it go for now. “Archangel?”

“Uh, Garrus. The guy with the scars,” Kaidan told him, eyes sharp as he kept an eye out for ferals. Shepard doubted that any had crept in since he’d shot up the last lot, but one could never be too careful. “Archangel is his codename.”

“Codenames, huh?” Shepard asked, grinning lopsidedly. “What’s yours?”

Kaidan hesitated for a moment. “…Boyscout.”

Shepard stared at him, expecting him to laugh and say he was just fucking with him. When he didn’t, he threw his head back and cackled. “Oh man, that fucking sucks!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kaidan huffed, though the corner of his mouth twitched. “Jack gave it to me when I first joined, and it stuck.”

“You get it for being a tight ass? Because I can see that,” Shepard drawled.

Kaidan gave him a dry look. “…basically, yeah.”

“Pft. So, do I get one, too?”

“If you get in, yeah.”

“You say ‘if’ like you still don’t trust me.”

“Of course I don’t trust you,” Kaidan snorted, rolling his eyes. “I’d have to be an idiot to. But I do wanna give you a chance.”

“Hm. Maybe there is hope for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

They were interrupted as they stepped out of the church, Garrus waiting for them at the bottom of the steps. He glanced over his shoulder, his mouth curling into a grin. “Hey, Kaidan. Shepard.”

“Garrus,” Kaidan nodded, clapping his back briefly. “Ready to get going?”

“Yeah, let’s get it done. You up for this, new guy?” Garrus asked, fixing Shepard with a calculating look.

Shepard snorted, crossing his arms. “Yeah. I’ve been around.”

“If you say so. These deliveries get hairy,” Garrus told him. “Don’t believe me, just ask pretty much the entire right side of my body.”

“Yeah, I noticed you’re a little fucked up,” Shepard nodded. Kaidan gave him a weird look, but Garrus didn’t bat an eye. “What happened?”

“Grenades,” Garrus told him casually, his eyes on the shadows and road ahead of them. Kaidan seemed to be tense enough for all three of them , though. There was probably no need for Garrus to be keeping an eye out. “Institute thugs got me good, once.”

“Bastards,” Shepard murmured, shaking his head.

“Tell me about it.”

They continued on through the winding streets, the sky growing steadily darker until they were shrouded the blackness. Kaidan fumbled in his belt for a flashlight, but Shepard clicked the one on his Pip Boy before he could get to it. Kaidan glanced at it interestedly.

“You’re a vault dweller?”

“Was, yeah,” Shepard nodded.

“Which one?”

“Why?” Shepard asked, fixing him with a hard look.

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, going back to not looking at him. “Alright. Forget I asked.”

Shepard continued to stare at him for a long moment, then sighed through his nose and looked away. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“Nah, I get it. Gotta be careful out here.”

“I’ll still never understand why you vault dwellers keep wanting to come up here,” Garrus snorted. “It’s a shithole.”

“A shithole with a sky. And fresh air,” Shepard argued. “Freedom.”

“Hm. I think that depends who you ask,” Garrus hummed, his eyes swiveling to Kaidan. Kaidan didn’t look back at him, but the corner of his mouth lifted in a wry smile.

They soon approached the safehouse, a towering building with patched up windows and makeshift walls where the bricks had crumbled. “Ulysses is inside with the runaway,” Kaidan murmured, eyes swiveling back and forth as they approached the entrance. Shepard couldn’t help watching him, finding his profile extremely attractive, his jaw chiseled and his cheekbones reflecting moonlight. _Jesus, moonlight, really, Shepard?_

Once they’d determined there were no landmines or anything to fuck their day up, the three of them entered the building, greeted by a dimly lit and sparsely decorated room. In the far corner sat a frightened looking girl in distinctive Institute clothing, dirty and torn in places. Beside her stood a tall woman, with black hair pulled into a bun on top of her head and powerful arms crossed over chest - Ulysses, Shepard guessed. She looked severe at first, but her expression went warm when she saw Kaidan and Garrus. “Hey. Took you long enough.”

“Sorry, Ashley,” Kaidan smiled, grimacing when she ruffled his hair. “Quit it.”

“Ugh, I got gel on my hand,” she complained, wiping it off on his shirt.

“Well, that’s what you get,” Kaidan snickered, nudging her playfully.

Shepard watched them closely, trying to decide what was going on there. Seemed more like a sibling thing than anything else. His gaydar wasn’t sure what to make of Kaidan quite yet, despite the blushing, but so far things were looking good. He was distracted from his reverie when he noticed the synth woman staring at him, frowning and tilting her head.

“Do I…know you?” she asked, and Shepard’s gut swooped. He fought to keep his face impassive even as his heart hammered against his ribs.

“Nah,” he replied, clenching his fists inside his pockets. “I’m new.”

She stared for another moment, but was unable to answer as Ashley put a hand on her shoulder. “We should get moving. Quick. We can’t stay in one place for too long.” She finally took her first look at Shepard, her eyes sharp as she sized him up. “New guy, huh? Codename’s Ulysses. You can call me Ashley,” she said, holding out her hand to shake. “You probably met my wife at HQ, Jack.”

“Yeah, she almost choked me out,” Shepard deadpanned.

Ashley snorted, her mouth spreading into a wide grin. “Yeah. That sounds about right.”

They left Ticonderoga as quickly as they’d come, the synth girl shuffling in the center of their group for protection. They didn’t meet much more opposition on their way back, opting to sneak past a derelict apartment building full of raiders and avoid a firefight while they had a charge. Shepard walked behind her, keeping his head slightly bowed. Synths rarely recognized him, as he didn’t speak to anyone but the Illusive Man in the brief moments that he was actually inside the Institute. The fact that this one had shook him up a bit.

The group of them were silent as they filed into Bunker Hill through the back entrance, carting the synth into the brick building in the center. They crept past trade posts that were closed down for the day, Ashley leading the way toward a hatch in the floor that she carefully lifted and gestured for them all to descend. Shepard noticed the grimace on Kaidan’s face, and couldn’t help the playful grin. “Scared of the dark, Boyscout?”

“Heights, actually,” Kaidan told him dryly, giving him a look. “And I’m not scared, I’m uneasy. Big difference.”

“Uh huh.”

“Come on,” Ashley urged, pushing on the center of Kaidan’s back to get him moving. “You two can eye fuck later.”

“We weren’t-”

“Sh.”

They crawled down one by one, Ashley skipping the last few rungs of the ladder and landing with a heavy thud of her boots. She reached overhead, and the concrete room they’d found themselves in was bathed in yellow light. It looked like it had been a bomb shelter before the war, shelves lining one wall and bunks on the other.

“Alright,” Kaidan nodded, glancing around. “Looks secure.”

“Stay here and rest,” Ashley told the synth, squeezing her shoulder. “Someone will be down with instructions soon. Until then, just keep quiet and lay low.”

The synth woman nodded erratically, arms wrapped tightly around herself and eyes wide. “I will. Thank you.”

They crawled out of the shelter again, dusting off their clothes once they were on their feet again. “Do we need to tell someone?” Shepard asked, looking around at the abandoned place.

“They already know,” Ashley told him assuredly, watching him with calculating eyes. “You did well, today. Hardly left any guys for the rest of us.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” Garrus grinned, nudging Shepard with his elbow. “Jack will like you.”

“That’s a compliment, right?” Shepard asked with a slight laugh. He noticed Kaidan off to the side just watching the exchange, expression quiet and thoughtful. When they locked eyes, the corner of his mouth lifted in a small smile.

Oh, Shepard wanted him bad. Wanted those warm brown eyes blinking up at him more than he’d wanted anyone else.

Shepard contemplated his new side mission (operation: Tap That) as the group made the trek back to HQ. Ashley had a spring in her step as they walked, practically power walking when they made it to the secret entrance and shimmied underground. They filed into headquarters itself, and as soon as Ashley saw Jack she broke into a sprint, taking a running leap and wrapping her arms and legs around her like a koala. Jack laughed as she was tackled to the ground, then went quiet as the pair of them appeared to be trying to suck each other’s faces off.

Kaidan shook his head at them, averting his eyes politely. “Ash has been gone a while,” he explained, his voice fond and his mouth twitching. “Can you guys get a room?”

Jack got to her feet, lifting Ashley with her, gripping her ass with one hand and flashing Kaidan her middle finger with the other. They pair of them disappeared into Jack’s bedroom, the door slamming and locking behind them. Kaidan’s smile grew, his eyes lifting to the ceiling.

“Someone turn the radio up,” he called with a grin. “For the love of God.”

“Must be nice for Jack, having her own room,” Shepard sighed as casually as he could. “Don’t know how you people fuck around here.”

Kaidan’s ears turned a little pink, his eyes flitting toward Shepard briefly. “You don’t, here. You gotta find some other place for that, unfortunately.”

“Yeah? What’s your favorite place? I’d love to see it,” Shepard smirked, leaning into Kaidan’s space a bit.

Kaidan’s eyes went a bit owlish. “Are you hitting on me?”

The question was so blunt Shepard had to laugh. “Yeah,” he admitted with a grin. “I’m a mere mortal, Kaidan. How’m I supposed to resist?”

Kaidan didn’t slug him, so that was one good sign. The other was the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth, his eyes slowly sliding up and down Shepard’s body like he was something to eat. Shepard reached for him, closing a hand around his hip, and pouted when Kaidan danced out of his grip with a smirk.

“Down, boy,” he murmured playfully. “You’re gonna have to work harder than that.”

Shepard watched him walk away, his hips swinging more than they had before, and couldn’t help the wide grin.

Fine. Kaidan wanted him to work for it? He’d work his ass off.


	3. Chapter 3

The following evening, Jack approached Shepard as he sat chatting with Garrus. The guy had seen a lot of shit, having run as a cop in Diamond City, then a merc, before finally settling with the Railroad. He had some kickass stories.

Shepard glanced up at Jack as she stood before them, arms crossed and squinting at him. “…need something?”

She snorted, staring at him for another long moment. “Ash says you did good with the rescue last night.”

“He did,” Ashley agreed, leaning against the wall beside her. “He’s clearly seen action before. Didn’t fuck up once.”

Shepard shrugged one shoulder, leaning back in his chair. “Just did what was asked of me.”

“Exactly,” Jack nodded, her mouth tilting in a smirk. “You want in? We could use guys like you that can get shit done. These assholes have gone soft.”

“Hey, speak for yourself,” Garrus complained. “I’m spry as ever.”

Jack ignored him, staring intently at Shepard. “So? In or out?”

Shepard caught Kaidan watching him from across the room, elbows resting on his knees but his gaze laser focused. For some reason, that made the decision for him, not his obligation to the Institute. “Yeah. I’m in.”

He blinked as Jack slapped his back so hard it almost knocked the wind out of him. “Kickass. You’ll keep working with Kaidan until you’re trained up. We need another heavy.”

“Whatever you say,” Shepard nodded, catching Kaidan’s eye and winking. He was a little too pleased when Kaidan’s face turned slightly rosy.

“He needs a codename if we’re gonna train him to be a heavy,” Garrus noted, looking Shepard up and down thoughtfully. “Hm. Scowly?”

“Funny,” Shepard deadpanned.

“He’s damn brutal in the field,” Ashley mused. “How about something badass? Like…Butcher?”

The name seemed to ring in Shepard’s ears, and he smiled just a bit as he pretended not to give a shit. “I’m fine with that.”

“Really? He gets a cool name and I still have to be Boyscout?” Kaidan sighed, though he was failing at hiding his smile.

“It suits you,” Ashley grinned, reaching to pinch his cheek and snickering when he pushed her hand away.

Shepard laughed quietly, grinning when Kaidan glanced at him and smiled right back. He felt something warm crackling in his chest as their gaze held for a little longer than he’d planned. He only looked away to watch Jack scrawling ‘BUTCHER’ on the blackboard on the wall, right underneath ‘BOYSCOUT.’

* * *

Time got away from Shepard as he found himself a comfortable niche in the Railroad. Jack had Kaidan basically babysitting him, but Shepard certainly wasn’t complaining. That had just made hitting on him way easier, he mused to himself, grinning lopsidedly as Kaidan’s eyes kept finding him from across HQ. They’d danced around each other for a while, until one day they’d found themselves pressed into a dark corner, eating face and pulling hair, tugging at armor. Kaidan had stopped everything before they could get too far, and he’d been so goddamn beautiful with kiss swollen lips and flushed cheeks that Shepard couldn’t even be too disappointed. That had been nearly a month ago, over three since Shepard had first joined.

Shepard found that he didn’t mind taking it slow with Kaidan. The chase was exciting, the wooing rewarding. He’d also discovered that Kaidan liked gifts, even if it was just making him dinner or scavenging a case of beer to share, and lots of compliments. And not in a stuck up kind of way, but in the way that when you told him he looked hot, his eyes would light up and he’d get this dumbass grin on his face that made Shepard want to kiss him silly. So, of course, Shepard made sure to let him know how good he looked at every opportunity.

Hm. This could be bad.  
  
He was busy frowning broodily to himself when Kaidan approached, sitting in front of him and letting their knees brush up against each other. “Hey,” he greeted, smiling that warm smile of his. That face felt like coming home, Shepard thought.

“Hey,” he replied in a soft murmur.

“So,” Kaidan began, avoiding his eyes almost shyly. “Um. I wanna show you something tonight.”

Shepard tilted his head at him, smiling a little wider at how adorable he was. “Should I be nervous?”

“No,” Kaidan snorted, kicking his boot gently and finally meeting his eyes. “I just don’t usually show it to people. Meet at the back entrance, tonight. When everyone’s asleep.”

“Yes, sir,” Shepard agreed, reaching to tuck a curl behind Kaidan’s ear with a playful grin.

Kaidan smirked, swatting his hand away with a quirked eyebrow. “Charmer.”

“That’s me.”

Kaidan shook his head, grinning as he went back to what he was doing, ignoring the others teasing him as he went. They hadn’t exactly been subtle, Kaidan clearly not concerned and Shepard having never had much shame to begin with. Would explain why he was fucking someone from the organization he was infiltrating. He shoved that particular anxiety back down; he’d deal with that when it came time. Until then, what was wrong with some fun?

***

Apparently, a lot.

Shepard hadn’t realized anything had changed, hadn’t realized he and Kaidan had moved past playful flirting and occasional making out in dark corners, until Kaidan got hurt that evening. It really wasn’t that bad, just a graze, but it had scared Shepard absolutely shitless and he knew then that he was fucked. They’d been helping to set up one of the new safehouses, a little farther out in the wastes so as to be more accessible than the ones closer to Old Boston, and the place had been hit by raiders. Simple enough, the fuckers were absolutely terrible shots, but Kaidan had caught one bullet in the meat of his shoulder.

Shepard sat with him, now, on a rickety bed in one of the bedrooms in the newly opened safehouse, carefully cleaning out the trench in his flesh with antiseptic. Kaidan’s jaw clenched slightly as it burned, but he otherwise didn’t flinch or make a sound of complaint. Shepard was gentle with him, not wanting to cause undue pain, frowning in concentration as he cleaned away dried blood and began to slowly sew up the wound. Kaidan grunted a bit when the needle pierced his skin, and Shepard kissed his cheek as a comfort without even thinking. So fucking soft. When did he get so fucking soft?

Kaidan had ruined him.

“Thanks,” Kaidan whispered, head turned to watch as Shepard carefully smoothed a bandage over the stitches. He’d done his best to be neat and careful, but there would still be a scar. Kaidan was covered in them, or so he imagined. He’d still not seen the guy naked.

“Sure,” Shepard replied, looking up into his eyes and getting lost in them without meaning to. His own fluttered closed when Kaidan leaned in, their lips brushing gently.

As they tasted each other they grew more insistent, shuffling closer, Kaidan wrapping his arms around Shepard’s waist and Shepard’s resting around his neck. He slid his fingers into Kaidan’s curls, cradling the back of his head as he slid his tongue into his mouth, leaning back when Kaidan got onto his knees and swung a leg over to straddle him. Kaidan’s calloused fingertips pressed to his jawline, holding him like he was made of glass, and Shepard wasn’t sure how to feel about it. His racing heart told him ‘good,’ and his twisting gut called him ‘liar.’

“Shepard,” Kaidan murmured, pulling back and frowning deeply. He looked almost troubled.

“What? You okay?”

“I…yeah,” Kaidan nodded slowly, peeking up at him uncertainly. “I need to tell you…something.”

Shepard searched his eyes, a little flabbergasted. “Uh. Okay.”

Kaidan’s eyes escaped his again. “I just…I really care about you, John. I’m…glad I met you.”

A heavy weight settled onto Shepard’s chest, dread mingled with a bitter joy. “I care about you, too, Kaidan. I-”

“But I need to tell you something. And it might…it might change things,” Kaidan murmured, his hands making fists in Shepard’s shirt. “Might change how you feel about me.”

“Doubt it,” Shepard whispered without a thought, and Kaidan smiled, though he still didn’t look up.

“Okay. So. I’m…” Kaidan took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, then opening them slowly. “I’m a synth.”

Shepard reeled back a bit, frowning deeply at him. “What? No you’re not,” he scoffed, looking down at his body and then back up.

“I am,” Kaidan murmured somberly. “I’m a Gen 3. I escaped the Institute a few years ago.”

Shepard stared at him, realizing he was serious. “How?” he asked softly, still holding him close. He could feel Kaidan’s heart beating against his own chest. “How do you remember?”

“I only remember that I came from there. Think there’s a failsafe when a synth is gone for too long,” Kaidan snorted. “Can’t remember much else.”

“How have you stayed safe?” Shepard croaked, suddenly absolutely petrified for him. “Kaidan, they’ll find you eventually.”

“They’ll have to kill me first,” Kaidan said lowly. “I’ll never let them take me.”

“Kaidan…” Shepard sighed shakily, holding him a little tighter. “Jesus.”

Kaidan’s eyes flitted back down to Shepard’s chest, deep lines forming between his brows. “I know it’s…weird. But I’m still me. And it’s not like people think. I’m not a plant, I can still feel, I can still…I really do feel something for you, Shepard. You make me feel…incredible.”

Shepard held Kaidan’s face in his palms, kissing him firmly. “I feel it, too,” he promised, murmured the words into Kaidan’s lips. “I don’t care what you are. I…” He looked down, pressing his palm to Kaidan’s chest. “I can feel you. You’re warm, and your heart beats, and…I love you.”

“What?” Kaidan asked, half ecstatic and half looking ready to cry. “You love me? Are you crazy?”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded, laughing weakly. “Absolutely batshit. And I love you.”

Kaidan laughed weakly, throwing his arms around his neck and knocking him back against the pillows with the force of his kiss, their noses and teeth mashing together in desperation. “I love you, too,” he mumbled, breathless, laughing against Shepard’s mouth.

The guilt churned in Shepard’s stomach, but he shoved it back down, just for another moment. Just for one more night. He’d never claimed to be a good man, never tried to be. Not until Kaidan fucking Alenko. Damn him.

Shepard practically snarled at the cruelty of it all as he yanked open the straps of Kaidan’s armor, stripping him down to his t-shirt. With hard leather and clasps out of the way Kaidan was soft, warm, clinging, and Shepard wanted him closer, wanted to press so hard they fused and never had to be apart. Never had to worry about having to eventually hurt each other.

“Did you lock the door?” Kaidan mumbled into his lips, pulling at Shepard’s leather jacket until it slid off of his shoulders and crumpled into a heap around his waist.

“Yeah,” Shepard breathed, hands on Kaidan’s ass and squeezing eagerly. “Lay down.”

Kaidan rolled to do as he was asked, stretching out on his back and lifting up his hips as Shepard pulled his pants down and off. He left the underwear for now, shimmying onto his stomach and mouthing at Kaidan’s erection through the cotton. Shepard noted the size with a pleased hum, kissing the entire length appreciatively before nuzzling Kaidan’s balls with his nose. Kaidan’s breath grew increasingly stuttered, his eyes half opened as he watched Shepard tease. Shepard winked playfully at him, before latching onto the waistband of Kaidan’s underwear with his teeth, using the grip to slowly tug them down.

Once Kaidan was bare he began to press his lips along his shaft again, with an open mouth and teasing tongue, smiling whenever Kaidan twitched or gasped. Shepard parted his lips, taking the tip of Kaidan’s cock into his mouth and sucking for a moment before sliding down further, deep-throating for just a moment before coming back up. Kaidan made a choked sound in his throat, making them both quietly laugh, and slid his fingers into Shepard’s hair. Shepard pressed into his palm, beginning to bob more evenly.

Kaidan tasted like heaven, sweat and musk and salty pre-cum mingling on Shepard’s tongue and making his erection twitch inside his pants. He pressed his hips down on the mattress for a bit of relief, otherwise far too focused on the way Kaidan was tossing his head back and forth to worry about himself for the moment. Shepard gave his jaw a break, pressing his tongue firmly to the underside of Kaidan’s cock and painting a long stripe, then taking one of his balls into his mouth and sucking firmly. After a while he resumed bobbing on him, and Shepard could have sworn he could feel the blood rushing beneath Kaidan’s skin, hardening him until the head of his dick was purple and shining. He gave it a firm, open-mouthed kiss on an upstroke, before crawling up Kaidan’s body to get a look at him.

His eyes had closed while Shepard was sucking him, and they fluttered open when he felt the movement, glazed and half-lidded with pleasure. He surged upward to kiss the taste of himself off of Shepard’s mouth, hands insistent as they shoved Shepard’s pants down past his ass. Shepard scrambled the rest of the way out of them, and then stripped his shirt, and then they were skin to skin, their heat and sweat mingling intoxicating. Shepard rolled his hips against Kaidan’s for a moment, before reaching between them and taking Kaidan into his hand. Kaidan returned the favor, jerking him with a grip that was just loose enough, but steady and sure.

Kaidan cried, he bled, he sweat, he laughed. His cock was hot in Shepard’s palm, smooth and firm and pulsing with the beat of his heart, with his labored breaths in Shepard’s ear. He hated, and he dreamed, and he loved. He was a man like any other. And yet, he was like none Shepard had ever met.

But a man, nonetheless.

“Shepard,” Kaidan breathed, starting to tremble as his hips twitched and pushed up into Shepard’s hand.

“Kaidan,” Shepard whispered back, kissing hungrily at his ear. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan slurred, dazed, hips rolling by now. His hand never faltered on Shepard’s dick, though, his eyes focused on Shepard’s face as he worked hard to bring him over the edge just as quickly as he was falling himself. “Ah, shit, shit.”

“I love you,” Shepard told him feverishly. “Want you to cum.”

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut then, groaning and kissing Shepard to silence them both as he came, painting his own stomach and chest. Shepard gasped, staring at Kaidan’s face as it contorted and relaxed with pleasure, taken by surprise when the sight brought him to his own climax. His cum mixed with Kaidan’s, spurting nearly up to his neck and flecking his olive skin until he looked like fucking art. Shepard thought so, anyway.

He swooped down to kiss him, both of them still catching their breath through his noses. Shepard’s hand was sticky now, and he wiped it on the edge of the mattress because fuck it. The arm that had been supporting him finally gave out, and he landed on his back beside Kaidan, the pair of them staring up at the ceiling as the cool wind from the window sent goosebumps rising on their skin. Shepard felt Kaidan’s gaze before he saw it, and he glanced over, smiling slightly. Kaidan returned it, eyes gentle, a contented hum in his chest as he leaned over to press his lips between Shepard’s eyes.

Shepard had casually hated himself for much of his life, both before and after the bombs fell. But never, ever so much as in that moment.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard was sick to his stomach as he made his way toward the Illusive Man’s office, his dirty boots tracking mud on the stark white floors. Kaidan’s…revelation had certainly put a complicated knot in their relationship, not that Kaidan was aware of it. Shepard had wanted to come clean that night, it had been on the tip of his tongue. But Kaidan had looked so peaceful, his hairline sweaty and his cheeks still flushed warm, eyes twinkling as he and Shepard joked back and forth through the afterglow. Shepard couldn’t possibly have said anything about being a synth wrangler then. The right time would present itself, and he would lay it all on the table when he was ready for Kaidan to step on his heart and shatter it. He just wanted a little longer.

He’d never claimed to be a good man.

He felt the sting of that as he slipped past the door to the Illusive Man’s office, allowing it to close behind him and crossing his arms. “You asked for me?”

The Illusive Man looked up at him, smiling crookedly and giving him his full attention for once. This couldn’t be good. “Ah, Shepard. You haven’t checked in in a few weeks. We were beginning to worry.”

Shepard shrugged as casually as he could. “Been busy.”

“So I hear. Our intelligence has uncovered some information that was not present in your reports,” the Illusive Man told him, leaning back in his chair and lacing his fingers across his stomach. “One of the heavies, codename ‘Boyscout.’ Apparently he’s an escaped synth.”

Shepard’s stomach turned to ice. “Is he now?”

The Illusive Man nodded slowly, watching him closely. “Surveillance footage confirms it. He apparently didn’t undergo facial reconstruction surgery after being recruited by the Railroad. It’s likely he wasn’t wiped, either.”

“Mm.” Shepard wasn’t sure what else to say, couldn’t think of any words other than _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_.

“Given his considerable combat and engineering skills, not to mention his knowledge of the Institute, however vague, we’ve decided it would be prudent to recall him and have him wiped, then retrained as a Courser,” the Illusive Man explained. His voice sounded muffled, blood pounding in Shepard’s ears and drowning him out. “I’ll be giving you his recall code, and you can engage it whenever you deem appropriate. I trust I don’t need to remind you to be discreet, especially since the code is engaged verbally.”

“No,” Shepard said firmly, unable to unclench his jaw. “You don’t need to remind me.”

“Good.” The Illusive Man reached for the pack of cigarettes on his desk, lighting one smoothly. “The code has been transferred to your Pip Boy.”

Shepard turned on his heel and left the office as quickly as he could, not stopping until he was far into the less frequented halls of the Institute. Once he was hidden he pressed his back to the wall, sliding down to sit and dropping his head into his hands.

 _Fuck fuck fuck_.

* * *

He dragged his feet when he returned to Railroad HQ that evening, unable to smile when Garrus and Ashley greeted him from where they played cards in the corner. Kaidan looked up at the sound of Shepard’s name, sat on his bed and cleaning one of his weapons, and smiled crookedly when their eyes locked. Shepard’s gut swooped again, making him feel nauseous.

“Hey, Shepard,” Kaidan greeted softly as he approached, standing up on his knees to peck his cheek. He ignored Garrus wolf whistling at them. “Where’ve you been all day?”

“Nowhere in particular,” Shepard smiled. “Sorry I’m back so late.”

“That’s alright. You okay?”

“Yeah. Hey listen. Do you wanna…go outta here? When everyone else is asleep,” Shepard murmured, trying his best to smile.

Kaidan eyes lit up, his smile growing into a grin. “Yeah. That sounds good. We can sneak out the back again,” he whispered in reply, reaching to play with Shepard’s fingers. “Long day, huh?”

“Yeah. Real long,” Shepard sighed, rubbing his thumb over Kaidan’s knuckles.

Kaidan softened, bringing Shepard’s hand up to his lips and kissing it gently, and goddamnit. Goddamn him.

That evening, Shepard met Kaidan by the back entrance, as they had many times by now, his heart pulling as Kaidan tugged him in for a kiss before they could even get above ground. He couldn’t help returning it, holding onto Kaidan’s hips, savoring the last moments before his obligations and debts caught up with him in the worst possible way. After a few minutes Kaidan finally laughed and stepped away, climbing up the ladder with Shepard right behind him.

The moon was high and full when they emerged, the air cool as it rustled their hair and the debris littering the ground. Kaidan took his hand, holding it tightly as he pressed a firm kiss to his cheek, and Shepard hated himself. They crept through the dark to the abandoned house where they usually escaped to hook up, the 2x4 nailed across the door still loose. Kaidan pushed it upward and nudged open the door. Shepard wanted to vomit as he stepped through the threshold.

Kaidan spun around to face him once the door was closed, his perfect teeth and glittering eyes reflecting moonlight. The rest of his features were cast in shadow, and Shepard hoped that the dark was enough to conceal his own expression, one he wasn’t sure he could school. Not this time. He allowed Kaidan to pull him close, allowed him to kiss him and slide his hands underneath his shirt. Shepard squeezed his eyes shut, knowing he had to do it now, now or he would never be able to.

“Kaidan,” he murmured, softly into his ear.

“Mm.”

Shepard swallowed around his dry throat, then slowly looped his arms around Kaidan’s body, holding him close to his chest and kissing his ear before whispering, “L2-51. I-Initiate factory reset. Authorization code-” He grimaced, holding Kaidan tighter as he jerked backward, staring up at Shepard with round, terrified eyes.

“What are you doing?” he asked shakily, still squirming in Shepard’s iron grip. “Who told you that? What are you doing?”

“Kaidan,” Shepard whispered, unable to meet his eyes for another second. God, he couldn’t do it. He should have known he’d never be able to fucking do it.

“Who told you that code?!” Kaidan shouted, finally tearing himself away and shoving Shepard, hard, with both palms on his chest. “Who told you that code?!”

Shepard continued to stare at the ground, fists clenched at his sides. “I…was given orders by the Institute.” He grunted as Kaidan shoved him again, then slapped him across the face so hard his head snapped sideways. “Kaidan-” he tried, voice weak as he pressed a hand to his stinging cheek.

“Shut up,” Kaidan snarled. “Just - shut the hell up, you fucking - _God_ , and I trusted you! And I vouched for you, I convinced Jack to let you into HQ, and - _God_!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Damn right you’re sorry! The sorriest bastard I ever met,” Kaidan snapped. “I wish I’d never goddamn met you, John Shepard.”

Shepard closed his eyes, swallowing the thick lump in his throat. “Kaidan. I wouldn’t have. I thought I was going to, but-”

“But what? I interrupted before you could get it all out?” Kaidan sneered. “Don’t lie to me. Those people sent you to infiltrate us. Didn’t they?”

“…yes,” Shepard murmured. “And the Illusive Man wanted me to recall you. I don’t work for them, I was blackmailed.”

“Oh, please. Tell me why I shouldn’t put a bullet in your head.” Kaidan punctuated the sentence by pulling his pistol, and Shepard reacted instinctively, pointing his rifle right back at him.

“Kaidan,” he said slowly. “Please. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you either.” Kaidan’s voice wavered as he spoke, his eyes shining as he leveled his weapon at Shepard’s forehead. “But it was all a lie. You’re a liar.”

“It wasn’t,” Shepard argued fervently, staring into Kaidan’s eyes and urging him to understand. “Not everything. I do care about you Kaidan. I love you.”

“You-!” Kaidan gripped his weapon harder, tears finally glistening on the corners of his eyes. “I hate you. I hate you.”

“Okay,” Shepard murmured.

Kaidan swallowed visibly, his hand beginning to tremble. “…I don’t. I can’t.”

Shepard lowered his rifle slowly, dropping it to the floor, and then held his hands out to his sides. “Let’s not do this, Kaidan. Please.”

“Everything is at stake now. This isn’t just about me, it’s about the Railroad!” Kaidan cried, desperately, practically sobbing. “You know everything!”

“I know I’ve given you no reason to believe me,” Shepard said quietly. “But I will not be sharing anything with the Institute. The moment they discover I haven’t recalled you, I…” He sighed shakily, passing a hand over his mouth.

“They’ll be after you,” Kaidan murmured. “…and me.”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded. “And…my settlement. He threatened to nuke it, if I didn’t do as he said.”

“Why?” Kaidan demanded, still watching him like a hawk. “Why did he want you so bad?”

“I fucked with his operation a lot. And he needed someone who wasn’t a synth as an infiltration specialist. Someone who couldn’t be wiped or deactivated or make a break for it and get a new identity. Although, I suppose I can still do the last one,” Shepard snorted. “Guess I’ll have to.”

Kaidan’s arm had slowly been descending, until finally it hung at his side, the pistol pointed toward the ground. “What are we gonna do?”

“I…I don’t know,” Shepard admitted.

There was a dull thud as Kaidan’s pistol clattered to the wood floor beneath them, his hands hanging loosely and his expression tired. “Shepard…”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard croaked, rubbing at his eye with the heel of his palm. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Kaidan. I fucked your whole life up.” He frowned when there were suddenly arms enveloping his shoulders and lips pressed against his own. He returned the kiss firmly, holding onto Kaidan’s hips.

“I love you, too,” Kaidan gasped tearfully against his lips. “I do. Even though you’re a fucking liar and I shouldn’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth, I love you.”

Shepard grunted weakly, squeezing him tight and burying his face into his hair. “I’m sorry. I won’t let anyone touch you. Not while I’m still alive.”

Kaidan nodded, pulling back to look at him and smoothing Shepard’s hair away from his forehead almost roughly, his eyes swollen and red and a little frantic. “We’ll stick together. And we’ll run. Yeah? We’ll run away, we’ll take your people with us, and we’ll hide somewhere far where he can’t find us.”

“Yeah,” Shepard croaked, clinging to him, digging his shaking fingertips into the flesh of Kaidan’s hips. “I love you. So fucking much.”

“We’re gonna be alright,” Kaidan breathed feverishly, pressing his forehead to Shepard’s and closing his eyes. “We’ll be alright.”


	5. Chapter 5

The Capital Wasteland was much less populated than the wastes surrounding Old Boston, settlements fewer and further between. It had taken Shepard and Kaidan weeks of travel to find the cluster of six families, solidly built shacks sitting on the shore of a large lake. The water sparkled in the afternoon sun, the heat beating down on them as they worked to spruce up the settlement’s one unoccupied shack. It had been empty for a while, the previous owners having been an elderly couple that died within a week of each other. They’d lived there for nearly sixty years. Shepard was glad he and Kaidan could look after the place for them. He wiped sweat from his forehead with his arm, his hands full of tools and metal sheets to cover up holes in the infrastructure.

He couldn’t remember how long it had been since he and Kaidan had packed up and left the Railroad and the Commonwealth behind, fleeing until they stopped encountering Institute forces on the road. After Jack and Ashley had helped them secure protection for Shepard’s settlement, Kaidan and John had run as quickly s they could, unwilling to endanger anyone else with their presence, and refusing to allow the Institute to find them.

They’d expected a hard journey, packed medicine and food and supplies to account for the long stretches of empty road. Still, no matter how much one prepared, the Wasteland was always one step ahead. Ferals, yao guai, raiders, and whatever else the world decided to throw at them nearly cost them both their lives. At one point the only ammo they had was whatever they could pick from corpses. When they’d arrived at the settlement where they would try to make a home, Kaidan was carrying Shepard in his arms, both of them ill from being caught in a radiation storm with no shelter. They’d both slept for three days after falling to the floor in the resident doctor’s home.

Now they were mostly healthy again, fixing up their house with curious eyes on them. No one bothered them, though. To anyone else they just seemed like a nice couple down on their luck. Shepard only prayed that the home they’d chosen was far enough from the Commonwealth that their pasts wouldn’t come back to bite them in the ass.

* * *

Shepard took up hunting, bringing back rare meats like yao guai and more common ones like hound and radstag. He kept some for himself and Kaidan, sold some to the other settlers for cheap, and the rest to traders for less cheap. Kaidan found work doing repairs, keeping the settlement’s water purifier functional, upgrading and fixing up weapons, maintaining the radio tower. After a few weeks, Shepard found Kaidan smiling more often, his large hands finding Shepard’s waist and his lips Shepard’s neck at all hours of the day. Shepard’s own chest felt lighter, his energy higher than it had been in months. Maybe years. They just felt…alive, together.

Not that everything was perfect. Shepard had also found Kaidan in quiet tears when he thought he was alone, missing his family and mourning his freedom. Shepard contemplating leaving at those moments. Not because he wanted to escape, but because he wanted to rescue Kaidan from him. If he’d never come around, Kaidan would still be a free man, with the Railroad, helping people. One night, Kaidan had caught him red-handed, a bag packed and halfway through writing a goodbye letter after a particularly difficult day.

“What are you doing?” he’d asked, standing in the doorway of their bedroom with a stricken expression.

Shepard had stared at him, frozen mid-sentence, unsure how to explain it all to his face. “I-”

“Are you…leaving me?” Kaidan had asked, softly, so softly, and Shepard’s heart had shattered into pieces, tinkling onto the floor at his lover’s feet.

“I can’t stay here,” Shepard had croaked, his throat tight and eyes burning.

“What did I do?” Fuck, fuck, god. “Is something wrong? Don’t leave, John, we can fix it.”

“Kaidan, you haven’t done anything,” Shepard had told him, his voice fierce and hoarse. “Fuck. It isn’t you, I just…I ruined your life, and you don’t deserve this.”

“Don’t leave,” Kaidan had repeated, tears in the corners of his eyes as he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms tightly around Shepard’s middle. “Don’t leave. I need you.”

Shepard’s resolve was gone, at that moment. He’d dropped the pencil in his hand and clung tightly to Kaidan, holding him close and vowing to never even think about letting him go again. “I need you, too. I’m sorry.”

Kaidan had kissed him firmly, forgiving him silently. Shepard never packed a bag again.

* * *

A year into living in their small shack on the water, and Shepard and Kaidan got married. Well, as married as one could be post-apocalypse. They purchased rings from a trader, exchanged them in the quiet seclusion of their home, on their knees in the dark. Whispering soft promises, exchanging heated kisses, consummating the union in a slow and steady rhythm. The next morning, they began calling each other ‘husband’ behind each other’s back, and sometimes to each other’s face, and failed to hide their smiles.

A year into calling each other ‘husband’, Jack and Ashley found them.

Kaidan pulled them both into a bear hug, squeezing hard even when Jack griped about her ribs cracking. Shepard was a bit more subdued, though his grin was just as large. Jack let her hair grow, while Ashley had cut her own shorter, and they looked tired, like they’d just gotten off the road.

“What are you doing here?” Shepard asked, the four of them sitting down on the rickety furniture. Ash and Jack looked happy for the rest.

“Warning you,” Ashley said gravely. “We got reports of Institute activity further and further out this way. We think the Illusive Man is mobilizing his troops and sending them here.”

“That doesn’t make sense. How could he have found us? We’ve laid low,” Kaidan murmured, frowning deeply.

“It’s possible a trader recognized us,” Shepard muttered, jaw clenched as he approached the window to peer out suspiciously. “Never know where they come from.”

“Shit,” Kaidan breathed. “Why is he still after me?”

“Well, besides the fact that you’re an unwiped escaped synth?” Jack drawled. “It’s his pride. You and Shepard outsmarted him, and he’s a spoiled bitch that isn’t used to not getting what he wants. He’ll want Shepard dead and you as his personal lackey once this is over.”

“We came to warn you and make sure you had some backup,” Ashley explained, lifting the corner of her mouth in a wry smile. “Couldn’t let our brothers get killed.”

Kaidan ruffled her hair gently, affectionately, and Shepard sighed quietly. “Thank you,” he said softly. “We appreciate it.”

“You’d better. Journey was a bitch,” Jack scoffed, stretching her arms over her head and grunting as her back cracked a couple of times.

“You guys can take the bed and rest,” Kaidan insisted.

“We brought bedrolls,” Ashley argued, though it was half-hearted. Jack was already getting to her feet.

“Just take the bed, Ash,” Kaidan smiled.

Ashley sighed but didn’t argue further, allowing Jack to take her hand and tug her up the stairs. Their boots dragged on the floor as they went, and Shepard could hear them whispering to each other for only a couple of minutes before it was silent.

He turned away from the window to find Kaidan rubbing his temples, grimacing. Shepard frowned, kneeling in front of him and reaching to brush his hair away from his forehead. “Shit. Migraine?”

“Little one,” Kaidan sighed. “Cigarette will help.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow, pursing his lips. “I don’t think that’s how that works.”

Kaidan gave him a wry smile. The argument was old by now. “Yeah, yeah. Hand me my lighter?”

Shepard pressed it into his palm. They both had their vices, he mused, his mind wandering to the liquor in the cabinet. “So. Sounds like we might be fucked.”

“Maybe,” Kaidan murmured, lighting up a cigarette and gently blowing smoke out of the window. “Maybe not. We don’t know if the Illusive Man actually knows where we are.”

“No. But if he asks around…I mean, we don’t have blue hair or anything, but we’re kinda distinctive.”

Kaidan grimaced at him, unable to argue. “Maybe…maybe we should stock up. Weapons and meds and stuff. Just in case we need to make a stand.”

“If we’re gonna make a stand we can’t do it here,” Shepard insisted. “Everyone else will be killed in the crossfire.”

“Then what do we do?”

Shepard searched his eyes for a long moment. “We’ll have to leave. For now,” he murmured. “Lock the place up. Go somewhere remote, with Jack and Ash, and wait for them to find us there. They will find us, Kaidan. Eventually.”

“…yeah,” Kaidan whispered. “I know.”

Shepard reached to take Kaidan’s face in his palms, rubbing his thumbs over his cheekbones. “I love you. We’re gonna make it.”

Kaidan smiled weakly, leaning forward to carefully kiss his lips. “Yeah. I love you, too.”

* * *

The four of them posted up in a decrepit fisherman’s shack miles away from any settlements. They rested on bedrolls around a small fire, carefully rationing their food and clean water. They’d been there for only a few days when the Institute finally found them, attacking in the middle of the night.

Shepard scrambled out of bed, shaking Kaidan awake. “Get up, get up, they’re here,” he snapped, shoving Kaidan up to sit.

They’d slept in their armor, guns beside them. Shepard snatched his own up, jogging to join Ashley and Jack, who had already begun defending their position. Shepard swore harshly when he saw what they were up against, a swarm of Gen 2 synths that would normally be only a mediocre threat with a proper company. With just the four of them, though, it was enough to terrify him.

“We’ve got this!” Jack shouted, as if she could hear his panicked thoughts. “Just keep in cover and don’t get shot!”

“Yeah, totally easy!” Ashley called back sarcastically.

At first it seemed like the Illusive Man (who was probably still back at the Institute, far away from the action, the fucker) had underestimated how many forces he ought to send. But then the airdrops came, vertibirds spilling with synths, and Shepard felt his energy slowly waning. They were going to be overrun. They couldn’t keep going forever.

He caught movement in the corner of his eyes and glanced toward it distractedly, doing a double take when he saw it was Kaidan, sinking to his knees and clutching his side. Blood spilled thickly over his fingers, staining his skin and armor.

“Kaidan,” he breathed, dropping beside him, forgetting where they were. “Fuck, fuck, Kaidan. How bad is it?”

“Pay…at-tention,” Kaidan snarled at him through his teeth, his face pale.

Shepard tried not to panic as Kaidan sank back against the wall, looking ill as he pressed his hand to his wound. Shepard ducked as a bullet pinged the wall beside them, and then whirled around, baring his teeth with newfound, rage-fueled energy. He pulled out his assault rifle, propping himself up at the window he’d occupied previously, and began to mow down synths with deadly accuracy. Anger had always helped him in battle, giving him tunnel vision and allowing him laser focus. Pure rage was even better.

The battle was short-lived after that, Shepard dropping his weapon to the ground once the last synth was down. His arms were sore and practically numb, and he could swear he felt phantom buzzing in his muscles, leftover from the constant vibration of his rifle. He spun around and darted for Kaidan, dropping to his knees beside him. His husband was slumped, grimacing in pain and squinting as he fought to keep his eyes open.

“Did we win?” he slurred, and Shepard laughed weakly.

“This time, yeah. Come on, K, let me see.”

Kaidan brought his hand away from the wound, thick, dark blood coating his hand. Shepard swallowed, almost ready to panic again. He glanced over his shoulder, watching as Jack approached, Ashley limping with an arm slung over her shoulder. “You alright, Ash?” Shepard asked, frowning at her as she lowered herself to the ground.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Ashley assured him in a strained voice. “Just a graze. Hurts like a bitch.”

Jack narrowed her eyes at Kaidan. “You look like shit, Boyscout. How bad is it?”

“I can’t tell where the entry point is,” Shepard murmured, if only to keep his voice steady. “But I don’t think I can stimpak him, the bullet’s still in there.”

“I can get it out,” Jack said firmly, kissing Ashley’s forehead almost roughly before leaving her side. “I’ll be just a second.”

“I’m fine,” Ashley smiled, her eyes soft as she watched her. The smile fell as quickly as it had come, though, as her worried gaze fell to Kaidan.

Jack knelt beside Shepard, peering down at Kaidan’s bloody torso and pursing her lips. “Get his shirt and shit off, I have tools in my bag.”

Shepard nodded, relieved to have a task, and began to pull open the buckles of Kaidan’s armor. He frowned when Kaidan’s head lolled, reaching to tap his cheek sharply. “Oh, no you don’t. Look at me.” He waited until Kaidan’s eyes swiveled toward him, slowly. “You’re gonna be alright. Just gotta get the bullet out, then you’ll be fine.”

Kaidan hummed, his blinks sluggish like his eyelids weighed a hundred pounds. Shepard continued to strip him, carefully pulling his shirt over his head and wincing when Kaidan gasped in pain. Once Kaidan’s torso was bare, Shepard could see not one, but two bullet wounds, both still slowly bleeding. He swore under his breath, clenching his fists so they wouldn’t tremble.

Jack returned with her bag and medical kit, a pair of pliers in her hand. “’Kay, lay him down. I’m gonna sanitize this. I don’t have any painkillers, so don’t let him move or sit up. It’s gonna hurt.”

Kaidan grumbled, opening his eyes to scowl at her. “M’right here.”

“Okay,” Jack deadpanned, staring him blankly in the eye instead. “Don’t fucking move or sit up.”

Kaidan scoffed, closing his eyes again. “Nngh.”

Jack lifted her eyes to the sky, before retrieving her antiseptic and sterilizing as best she could. Shepard eased Kaidan onto his back, pulling off his jacket and pillowing Kaidan’s head with it. As Jack prepared, he kept Kaidan from passing out, petting his hair and keeping his eyes on him. “Gonna fix you up,” he promised quietly. “And then you’ll be okay. Because you’re not allowed to leave yet. Going out like this would be total bullshit.” Kaidan laughed weakly, wincing, and Shepard tried to smile back.

“Okay,” Jack murmured, shuffling toward them. “Keep him still, Butcher.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Shepard nodded, shifting until he was filling Kaidan’s line of vision, pinning him to the floor with his forearms and still running his fingers through his hair. “Deep breath, K.”

Kaidan obeyed, his eyes brightening a bit as he anticipated the pain. His eyes held Shepard’s, and he was silent until Jack’s pliers began to pull apart his flesh. He hissed sharply, gritting his teeth, then gasped and jerked underneath Shepard’s grip when the metal dug further in. “Fuck,” he croaked, eyes squeezing shut.

“Look at me,” Shepard said again, lowly, insistently. He smoothed Kaidan’s curls as their eyes met again, Kaidan’s breathing becoming more labored as Jack dug around inside of him for the bullet. She began pulling out shards, and Shepard’s heart sank. Shit, shit. This was going to be way more difficult than they’d thought.

Kaidan was sweating by the time Jack had finished removing all of the pieces from the first entry point, and he whined pitifully when she dug into the second. She was clearly working as quickly as she could to save him undue pain, her brow furrowed deeply and her bottom lip between her teeth. She hit a particularly painful bit of meat as she searched and he threw his head back, cracking it on the floor and shouting toward the sky. “Son of a BITCH!”

“Easy, easy,” Shepard gasped, wedging his hand underneath Kaidan’s head in case he tried to pull that shit again. “Don’t hurt yourself, Kaidan.”

“Fuck you,” Kaidan whined, trembling from the pain. “Sorry. Didn’t mean that.”

Shepard laughed shakily, leaning forward to kiss his damp forehead. “Tell me to fuck myself all you want, babe. You’ve got someone digging around in your gut.”

Another minute that felt like hours, and Jack sat back, her hand and tools bloody and a collection of metal shards beside her on the floor. “Alright. You lived, congrats.” She looked about as relieved as Shepard felt. “Here, stim him,” she added, pressing the syringe into Shepard’s hand. “If I stick him with anything else I think he might murder me in my sleep.”

Kaidan laughed hoarsely. “Thanks, Jack.”

“No problem.”

Shepard loaded up the syringe, inserting it near the wounds and slowly pressing down on the trigger. Kaidan grunted quietly but otherwise didn’t complain, his eyes a little hazy as he watched Shepard’s face. The medicine began to work quickly, the bleeding ceasing and Kaidan’s flesh mending itself slowly but surely. He let it drop to the floor and let out a long breath, pressing his forehead to Kaidan’s. “Thank fuck.”

Kaidan hummed, and passed out a moment later.

* * *

They didn’t get to keep their small house on the water.

As much as they loved it, and would miss it, it wasn’t worth the danger it would bring to the other settlers. So they packed up their things, and said goodbye, setting out on the road with Jack and Ashley beside them. A small, strange family.

Settling down wasn’t in the cards for the four of them. Not until the Illusive Man and the Institute were taken down for good. They kept to the Capital Wasteland, where it would at least take Institute forces a while to get to them. Shepard still felt the guilt sometimes, when Kaidan couldn’t sleep, when they couldn’t stay in one place for too long for fear of someone recognizing them. But Kaidan always kissed away his fears, told him how much he loved him, how he’d been incomplete before him. Shepard felt it, too. Like a void in his soul had been filled by Kaidan’s light.

And if the Illusive Man thought he could snuff it out, well, he was damn well welcome to try.


End file.
